God Himself Could Not Stop My Complaining

[anundine]

Listen. Listen. I've never liked Han Solo. (And before you go blasting off to leave a comment and berate me because he's So Iconic or So Awesome or So Charismatic or Harrison Ford Is So Dreamy, know this: you, specifically, are part of the problem. Let me dislike him in peace.)

So it really should come as no surprise that it has taken me this long to finally watch Solo, nor that I didn't like the movie.

Well, okay, that's a bit harsh. Isn't not that I didn't like the movie as a whole. I have no strong feelings about the movie as a whole. It's a very bland, forgettable movie. There are some good visuals, and Lando is a treat. The plot is one of the more solid ones, and the world building itself wasn't bad. The rest of my issues are as follows, in moderately chronological order:

• God, I am so fucking tired of romance subplots. Why is the only reason writes can think to make audiences care about lady characters is to have them be romantically involved with the male lead. Why do they think that their male leads can only care about ladies if they are in love with them. Why couldn't they have just been friends please I am so tired
• Man there sure were a lot of white humans, huh. Of the criminal crew, how come the only survivor is the white guy. How come his lady-friend was the one who had to die.
• Also, were we like, supposed to care when they died? Because beyond a moment of "aw, bummer" followed by annoyance that these were the ones to die I....didn't care about them. At all. At least have some moving music or something. Jesus.
• Speaking of, the music was forgettable and all over the place. There were moments where the main theme came through and it was...pretty okay I guess? The music direction in this movie is emblematic of the movie as a whole: messy, forgettable, little in the way of emotional oomph, and only Star Wars when it remembered it should be.
• Qi'ra trying on Lando's capes in the Falcon was weird, right? Like that was weird and invasive and presumptuous, right? It's not just me? Idk about y'all but I don't walk into other people's bedrooms and start trying on their clothes without express permission, possibly in writing.
• The handling of L3 felt. Real Bad. Her being Angry Loud Droid felt like a joke. She in general felt like a joke, and it didn't feel good. She felt like a strawman parody of Loud Obnoxious Minority Group, and her death and subsequent installment into the Falcon felt both cruel and pointless. And that bit where Lando essentially joked that he'd wipe her mind and overwrite her personality against her will because she is inconvenient to him, only that would render her useless? Yeah. Buddy. Are. Are you sure that's a joke you should have in your movie not five whole minutes after said droid defends her rights and existence as a sapient being. Are you sure.
• There was something wrong with the colors. Even outside of Corellia and the Space Trenches (tm)--which were punishingly War Story Greyscale-- the colors of the whole movie felt...flat? desaturated? mushy? I can't put my finger on it. The only time it visually looked and felt like Star Wars was the Maw, which had a lot of high contrast and neon. Maybe that's what was off?
• Han Solo is a character that is posturing, and posturing badly, basically all the time. His bravado is incredibly transparent and he is never comfortable or in control, ever. Because of this I have no idea if the actor was doing a great job or a terrible job. Either way, I don't much care for it.
• You know what else I don't much care for, as a trope in general and its application here in particular? The one character with visible scars being evil. I don't care how deeply rooted in human history and psyche it is, it's a bad trope and it needs retired.
• Speaking of Paul Bettany, who thought the whole subplot with Maul was necessary, let alone a good idea? You didn't need the sith in order for this criminal organization to be threatening. Maul felt super rammed in there, and no, all those really transparent hints about "answering to somebody above me" don't count.
• Maul as the head of a criminal empire really makes his decision to follow Ezra around in Rebels extra weird and questionable, actually.
• For a lady with a mysterious past and agenda, Qi'ra was an incredibly flat. Bless Emilia Clarke's heart, she tried so hard to make her interesting and give her depth, but the character existed pretty much solely to Add Tension and Make Solo Feel Conflicted and it really, really showed.

Anyway the moral of this story is that I don't give a shit about Han Solo and I extra don't give a shit about his painfully mediocre "origin story movie" and I want to scream, loudly and at length, at the inclusion of so very many distasteful tropes and otherwise sub-par storytelling.

Fuck.